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The Irish Lover written @ 12:27 p.m. on October 22, 2003 What kind of life is the one I lead? What sort of person am I... what sort of person will I become. I read Brent's (Kioshi) diary tonight. It made me want to rip my heart out, and run over it with my car. What kind of person am I? Why did I do this to him? I hate it. I hate that the situation is just another file in my stack of "Things Laura Did Wrong..." I don't even want to go into it because no matter what I say about it, nobody will care. Nobody will understand. I didn't just want to be his lust. I swear. Deep inside I swear I felt something more. That hurts. But I swear that for the few minutes in our relationship when everything was right, it was perfect. He is an amazing person, with a soul larger than the universe. He has many views that are beyond his age, and I feel lucky to have seen even a glimpse of that. He has an imagination and creativity in his eye that rivals that of a talented artist. He stirred something in me that I had not felt in a long long time. Truly, I did wrong. I'm such a fuck-up. It's been 3 days now since anybody has called me. Well, over 3 days. Neona just called be three days ago to ask me the name of a CD. Nothing else. Never is. That's okay. I paint. I read. I smoke. I cum. I think. I draw. I clean. Nobody knows it (but Nena and Scott, cause they live with me...) but I have a job interview on Thursday morning. At 9:00am. A lady from the Juneau School Distict called me. It's a GOOD job. About $1900 a month. That should be enough to pay my bills, and save a little to move. The job has benefits. Good ones (hopefully)... I would be working with children who are either special needs, or are emotionally distraut. It is a good job for me. I'd work with kids from Kindergarted to 5th grade. Scott told me not to get my hopes up. Yeah, right. I am so desperate now not to be a fuck-up that I will be hopeful about the tooth fairy taking my wisdom teeth, if it will make me a better person. What is this all about anyway. I don't know why I write here. None of the things that I say are even close to how powerful they are in my head. Take that as it is. I am so distant from people right now. I see Nena like once or twice a day (in the way that when you live with somebody it is enevitable)... and of course I see Scott, and the babies. Other than that I really have no contact with anyone. I live for my e-mails from Jenny, Andrew, Bill, and my mom. I'm sorry I'm not like you guys. I'm sorry that I'm not fitting into your guy's plans anymore. Maybe this is a stage. Maybe this is just how it is going to be. It's okay. I've never been afraid of being alone. The one that I wish I could be friends with, that would reach out to me won't. I feel like part of me is dead.
"As fire lights the wood it consumes, so the soul illuminates the body with consciousness."
- Srimad Bhagavatam
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