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That good sort of weird...
written @ 1:19 a.m. on September 21, 2003

I must just be the most awful person in the whole world. I cannot be making everyone happy all the time. I try so hard. I really do... My parents, my friends, my boyfriends, and even my goddamn dog. What about myself? Why do I deny the things that I know I want. The things that I know I would love. I don't understand. I must be the worlds biggest masochist. I wish I were a sadist. I hate the fact that everyday I wake up, and don't know who I'm going to piss off. This is a weird entry. I'm not writing this like anyone is going to see it. This entry is for me. I am getting such mixed vibes from Brent. Who knows. You know... I wanna let him in. I'm just so scared. I wish that there was something that I could do. It is so hard for me to trust people. My life hasn't exactly been peachy so far. I want him to be the only one. I really do. I just don't see how he could want me sometimes. I mean, I act like I don't give a shit sometimes about what people think... but I really do. I'm not all I seem to be... I'm so much more, and I wish people would understand what goes on in my head. There isn't a way for me to explain it. I look at him, and I just want him to hold me, and to tell me that he understands. It is difficult to explain... but I want a future. I want kids. I want a house... with the picket fence. I want Dharma to have a real daddy. I want security. I want marriage. I want everything that comes with a good and commited relationship. I am just so afraid that once a guy knows the real me, he'll book it like Ross did. I shouldn't hold it against Brent... what Ross did that is... but I can't help it. I need things from Brent. Things that I can't ask for. Things I'm sure he doesn't know I want. I want him to like me. Hell... I'd love it if he loved me. I'd love to love him... But it hurts so bad. Scott never wanted marriage or anything from me... so there was never a reason to let him in. He doesn't know me. Hell... half the time he doesn't even like to be around me. I want to be honest. I do live with Scott... this does make for the most awful situation. Anything that has ever happened between us doesn't mean shit. I mean nothing to him, and I could never reach him. I want to start over new with Brent. I am afraid to even do sexual stuff with him, because it makes me feel weird. Good weird... i think. Emotional rather than all sexual. I haven't felt like that with anyone but Ross. With Scott it was just sex. He doesn't care about meaning and shit. I am so depressed. I want control of my life again. I want him... I really do. I thought he understood that. I need a hug. I need to cry. I need to get high.

obsticles - enlightenment

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