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Nothing in my life is factual, in fact it's all a lie. written @ 7:16 p.m. on July 12, 2003 I feel so odd right now. So uninvolved. I don't want to be here, but I do at the same time. I want to be with Scott, but at the same time I wish he treated me better sometimes. Then again, I was the bitch that made out with another guy... (and boy was that nice...hee hee) but that's another story all together. I hate my job, I want to quit so bad. I want to become a piercer, but that'll never happen. I would like to be a sub at the high school next year, I could do that. Then again, what will next year bring? What will tomorrow bring. I want my license. I am so tired of driving illegally. It makes me really nervous, and I'm always afraid I'll get pulled over. I need insurance too. God. I am so frustrated with life. I miss Nena like hell. I hate that she's out of town, and I wish that she was home. I have this feeling I will never have children. It hurts really bad to think about it. Time, I guess. This generation is so used to instant gratification, so waiting might be good. Then again it may never happen. When will anything in my life make sense? Neona told me today that Ross is moving to California to go to school next year. It's hard to explain how I feel about him. It still hurts, as to be expected... but at the same time... he isn't who he used to be, and I miss the old him. Not the scrubby guy that has no goals or motivation. God is he lazy. Then, who am I to talk? My motivation has been sitting somewhere waiting for me to find it. Goals? I don't even know what I'm doing in an hour, never the less a year from now. I used to have life planned out. It was great. I can't do that anymore. I habitually make out the perfect situation in my head, and have these unrealistic expectations. I have learned that nothing I really want ever happens. You work for something so hard, and others can still take it away. Will I ever have anything in my life that will be just mine? My life is completely out of control. My emotions are entagled in guilt and confusion and love and hate and anger and lust and hurt. I do not know what the future will hold. None of us do. I wish I had a clue, but I don't. At least I could have some idea of what I would like it to be. But I don't. It scares me that I have no idea of what I want to do. God, I love kids but I cannot handle being shut up in that little room all day with 5 screaming infants/toddlers. You start to hear screaming at home and shit. I want to have children so badly, but this is making me resent the thought. I wish that I was on the top of a mountain in Tibet right now. Or out in the middle of nowhere. Life is getting in the way of life, and I hate it. How do I know what to do? I feel stupid... like I have angsty teen syndrome. But I don't. I don't really care about some of the same stuff that people I work with do... like who's dating who, and who wore what where...etc. I just wanna be free from the stresses of life. I probably never will. I took some caffeine pills, Maybe I'll start to wake up. I feel hostage in my own bedroom, The windows turn to bars. Who is this man that looks at me, and what is the look he's giving me? What will I do when I wake up, If I wake up at all? I feel I cannot touch tomorrow, It is too out of reach for me. Nothing in my life is factual, In fact it is all a lie. It hurts to live as it does to die, The median is no better. The point to all of this I know not, nor will I ever. I just put on this face, Like it's okay... I just pretend that life's going great. The stress is making my head spin, and people don't understand me (except for Nena, my love!) I just need to sleep this off, until I'm maybe 20.
"As fire lights the wood it consumes, so the soul illuminates the body with consciousness."
- Srimad Bhagavatam
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