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Guilt. (and a rant) written @ 4:38 p.m. on July 04, 2003 I cheated on my boyfriend. Kind of. I like Brent, really I do. I hate the fact that it had to be like this. It sucks for him. I never really in anyway wanted to hurt him or piss him off. I still don't think he's over Kaity. I love Scott. I cannot deny the fact that I do. I asked him last night to explain why he loves me. He said that he would never want anything bad to ever happen to me, and that is how he knows he loves me. That it the sweetest and most genuine thing that a guy has ever told me. The 15 year age difference showed last night. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. He just held me while I cryed, and told me some wise shit that would make me feel better. I was so confused. It's not like I ment to hurt either of them. It was a weak point in Scott and my relationship. I was very emotional. Brent was very hott. I cannot deny the truth, and cannot deny my guilt. I can apologize for this shit... but I won't deny that it felt good to be with somebody different. Guilty but good. I wish things were different, Brent. Really. (Your're not such a bad kisser yourself... *wink* *wink*) But I have my "grownup" respons- ibilities, and it is not fair to you to have to deal with them. I can't do that to a friend, or to a boyfriend. I hope that you're not pissed at all about it. I think that I hurt Neona. I hate that. Love me Neona. You know that you want to. I didn't know that you liked him. I didn't know that it would hurt you. You actually encouraged me to do it, and laughed about it in the process. You know me, just try to understand, and don't fall into the ditches that SOME of us have already dug with their shit talk. In conclusion I tell you all that I am nothing but I confused 18 year old girl who doesn't know what she's going to do with her life. No goals have been set, and no paths are being walked at this moment. I am at a standstill, and most likely will be until I make up my mind what I am doing with my life.
I also would like to add that a certain someone has very much pissed me off. What right do you have to judge me me for something that you have done yourself? MANY TIMES??? Everyone is entitled to mistakes, and you are not an angel. None of us are, and some of us are a little less than others. Your comments have hurt me badly. If you feel that you want to "lose respect for me" for something that god knows Jesus couldn't resist sometime, then go ahead.
All I need to say is that my respect level for you is at zero. Nobody with half of a social brain would say such blatently bitchy things about their friends, even if it was to make one of our friends feel better.
It's also quite the oddity how you can say such rotten shit behind my back, and act nicey-nice to my face. Whatever. I don't have time for this kind of shit anymore, and don't want to deal with it... Nor you, until you can understand the situation (or at least TALK TO THOSE WHOM IT WAS ABOUT)and maybe get off of your high horse and understand that shit happens, but talking shit about it doesn't help.
"As fire lights the wood it consumes, so the soul illuminates the body with consciousness."
- Srimad Bhagavatam
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