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Faulty written @ 9:59 p.m. on June 28, 2003 I feel like saying so much right now, but I just got off the phone with Scott and told him all about it. My life is starting to really suck. It is seeing a little more pointless as everyday goes by. He tries to keep me sane sometimes. I want him to care. It used to be that wanting him to love me was like wanting his soul. He says he has no soul, thus he has no love. Now he loves me. Is this what I want forever? Is this what I want for the rest of my life. My life will never be perfect, and I doubt I will ever be truly happy. I thought that after high school all of this cocky two faced gossipy social shit would stop. Damn I was wrong. I was looking forward to Tai's party. It was going to be fun (and it was, don't get me wrong... I love you Tai!) But he walked in. With her. god. I like her, really. I don't think (as much as I wanted to) hold it against her. She will learn it time too. He just makes my heart cry. I get that vomity feeling around him too. Anorexia sounds appealing. I will never find the perfect guy. Should I settle down with what I have? Should I keep groping for a brighter future? Is there one? Will I ever find a guy who loves me just the way that I am? (peircings and everything?) It's doubtful. I hate my bad self esteem, but sometimes I can't help but feel like there is nobody out there who would want me. What is there to want? I feel like I am an ugly, gross, fat, and stupid girl. I hate when people try to tell me that I'm not. I know I'm not ugly, but I feel as if I am sometimes. My faults are numerous.
"As fire lights the wood it consumes, so the soul illuminates the body with consciousness."
- Srimad Bhagavatam
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